The local pollen count is high, the outlook, in their creepy jargon, poor. I am an allergy poster child today: watery eyes, sniffly nose, and a wheezing asthmatic cough. I'm actively engaged in full-on battle with the Evil Pollen Monster, using every weapon at my disposal: Allegra, antihistamine eye drops, Rhinocort nasal spray and a foul-tasting albuterol inhaler.

When the allergist gave me the inhaler last fall, I looked at him blankly and said, "I've never had asthma. I don't need this." I took it home anyway and stuck it in a drawer. And now, of course, I'm glad to have it, even though it tastes like ass and leaves me jacked up and shaky. At least I can breathe. I just might not sleep for thirty-six hours or so.

The cough woke me out of a nap, which is what I did tonight instead of working out. When I got home from not signing the lease (see below), I plugged in my little fan, pointed it at my bed, and passed out. It was 91 degrees today. What the hell happened to spring?

The lease. I still do not have a lease. I am In Negotiations about the lease. I feel like a movie star, minus the money and assistants and glamour. Just the hassle, ma'am.

Here's the problem. For the sake of the landlady's sanity, all leases in the new building end August 31 and begin September 1. I am moving in on May 15, so the management people wrote up a lease for three and a half months. This part is okay. The lease went on to say, "With will consider option to renew for one year at same rent."

What?

"It's just, it's because you're not employed right now, that's why, they just want to know you're going to pay the rent," Karin explained. Karin's my realtor. I like her. Blond and Irish-looking and about my age. And then, poor Karin, I got sort of pissed.

"No, it's because they might jack up the rent, that's why. I have been paying rent to one of Boston's most notoriously difficult landlords for eight years and that's not good enough?"

Self-righteous, even.

"This move is costing me thousands of dollars and they know that. They could increase the rent just in time for the new lease in September and I would be screwed." (dir. note: camera to KARIN, eyes widening, head shaking no.) "And then I wouldn't be getting what I thought I was getting from you, which is an apartment at the stated rent for a year." Which would make you an incompetent, unprofessional liar, was the subtext.

Man, don't fuck with me on contracts. I've been taught by experts and I never lose.

When I finished thumping my chest and got off my soapbox, Karin called the management company and left a very polite message. I sat down with the lease, tinkered with the language and eventually came up with a reasonably bulletproof alternative. Will they accept it? Tune in tomorrow night.

Meanwhile, my latest attack on the Allergy Beast has proven my motto yet again: better living through chemistry. Maybe I can sleep.