I wasn't worried before. I had a plan. I had a good plan. I would skip the Retail Hell and scary cater-waiter situations (the idea of carrying a tray full of plates and full glasses sends me into an anxiety attack) and get a job with the postal service. I'd wear either jeans or a postal service uniform and get eleven bucks an hour to sort packages or sell stamps. Easy.

The theory was to pick up an application at my local post office, turn it back in, have a friendly chat with the top dog and start working. The reality is that not only do tons of people have the same idea, the bureaucracy of the USPS means I have to jump through hoops to get in line with all of these (bigger, stronger) people. I left my name, address and phone number on an automated operator line -- a bit spooky, really, like using a talking ATM -- that the USPS runs specifically for holiday jobs. Someone would call me back and schedule an interview within two weeks, the machine assured me. Then it hung up.

Two weeks? In two weeks, it'll practically be Christmas.

I called the post office downtown at Post Office Square to get the straight dope from a live human. "Oh, they'll call you," he said cheerfully. "They'll call everyone. They'll probably bring you in for interviews and drug tests in groups of a hundred." Groups of a hundred? "Yeah. You know, so much is automated these days, we just don't need the manpower we used to need." Groups of a hundred? Like, the plural form of group? And the plural form of hundred?

I thanked the man for his time, wished him a good weekend and hung up to think some more.

There is also, of course (provided the USPS actually sees all 5'2" of me behind all of those big grown men) the matter of the drug test. I take amphetamine every day for ADD. With that many applicants, would they really stop to read a letter from my doctor asserting that I'm under medical treatment and that's why I failed their drug test? Nyet. Next applicant!

It seemed like such a good idea at the time.

I checked FedEx.com next. After some hunting, I found a section of the site devoted to a Q & A about the Christmas rush.

Is FedEx adding additional staff to prepare for the holiday season?

FedEx will utilize its current workforce to handle additional holiday volumes. It is also a tradition for hundreds of FedEx employees to volunteer their time working in the Memphis hub during the holiday season.

I guess they're not hiring.

The United Parcel Service has a separate site for employment. (If you've ever read David Sedaris' Barrel Fever, you know I'm already approaching UPS with serious trepidation.) The site doesn't say anything about holiday employment, exactly, but it does offer listings for part-time jobs. Both available positions offer a depressing $8.50 an hour, provided you can lift packages weighing seventy pounds. Next!

Airborne Express doesn't say anything about holiday employment either, although if I were in Tampa or Minneapolis, I could apply for a customer service job. This, somehow, is not helpful to me.

So now, I admit I'm just stymied. I cannot face returning to retail. Christmas music makes me hostile, which is dangerous when paired with cranky customers and their whining, sticky children. I lack the physical and emotional capability to be a cater waiter. I have a deep-seated and possibly pathological aversion to Suit Jobs; anything for which I have to dress up every day and be someone's assistant is out of the question, no matter how fast I type.

I'm not sure what to do next. But I guess I won't have to worry about squeezing my butt into USPS uniform pants.