Remember the time I had to hide the cat in preparation for a visit from my landlady? It turns out that I should have been more afraid of the management company for the building. The no-pets clause in the lease is nothing compared to the no-pets policy of the condo management rules and regulations.

This was slipped under my door this morning:

A REMINDER

As stated in the Rules & Regulations dated September, 1996, there are no pets permitted in [the building].

We have had several complaints that some residents may now have cats or dogs, and we have been instructed by the Trustees to determine where these pets are and to fully enforce the "No Pet" policy.

You should be aware that there is a $10/day fine for any violation of the Rules & Regulations. If you currently have a pet, you need to make other housing arrangements for this animal.

They will not be allowed to remain in the building.

cc: Board of Trustees

At the top of the notice, my apartment number is written by hand. Clearly, someone turned me in; this isn't a general delivery notice. I want to know who cared so much that one quiet resident lives with one quiet and elderly cat that they bothered to report us. Then I want to go break their fucking knees.

I particularly love the line about their intention to "determine where these pets are." I have a mental image of a squad of middle-aged women, frumpy in that classic New England way, stomping through the building, floor by floor, banging on each door to track down the pets. "Öffnen! Wo ist das Tier? Vere iz zee animal?"

I can't "make other housing arrangements for this animal," so I'm going to have to make other housing arrangements for us both.

I really needed this right now. Happy holidays!