I think I'm getting a cold. I'm all sniffly and sore-throated and feverish. I rolled out of bed at 4:00 this afternoon, fed the cat (who had been trying to wake me since noon), ate some cereal and checked my e-mail. And now I'm ready to go back to bed. I feel deeply lousy.

That could also be from the poisonous influence of the assorted message boards where I lurk and gather gossip. Unfortunately, not only can the majority of web-board posters not spell, they're also addicted to an evil glossary of internet shorthand and emoticons. To wit:

1. {{{{{{{whoever}}}}}}}
Noooooo! The absolute limit to which this nauseating habit should be taken is an occasional (hugs). Anyone taking this to the extreme of {{{{{{{huggles!}}}}}}} must be euthanized for the greater good of mankind.

2. ppl
The word is "people." Learn it. Use it.

3. Numbers for letters, e.g. 2 you, 4 you, etc.
It's not cute. It's not amusing. It doesn't save time for you or for the reader.

4. Super shorthand, e.g. do U no how 2 help me plz?
See above. Additionally, this habit marks the writer as a hopeless illiterate and as someone to be ignored under any future circumstances.

5. Internet acronym slang, e.g. OMG! TFF! ITA!
While I'm certainly not above the occasional LOL, any acronym which makes a reader pause to figure it out has no place in an interactive societal construct. Get over it.

6. Excessive profanity (particularly when misspelled, e.g. fuk u!)
Profanity is the last refuge of small vocabularies. No one is impressed. No one is even shocked. Grow up.

7. Cutesy graphics (see exhibit)
'nuff said. Darling emoticons of devil faces and happy smiles rolling back and forth fit in this category as well. Actually, anything animated deserves special scorn.

It must be the headache triggering this outpouring of bile. Usually I stick with quiet contempt. I should probably go back to bed before I cause any real trouble.

(((huggles!!)))