I have a hard time typing with my glasses on, but glasses and shoes are necessary gear at the moment. I'm at DEFCON 3, down from full alert and defensive attack. I'm sitting down, but I've got my survival tools: Docs on feet, glasses on face, bug spray near to hand. Deep breaths.

The bug came home with me from 7-11 and made its first horrifying appearance in a bag of gummy bears. That alone could give me nightmares for years, but I digress. Earwigs are unfortunately common in New England, especially when it's wet (never go to the beach at night when the humidity is high; this was learned the hard way). And it's been very wet. But how it got into a supposedly sealed bag is beyond me.

I jumped right up when I saw it. Huge adrenaline rush; full-on fight-or-flight mode. I ran for my shoes and my glasses and my bug spray and came back to the desk. I was online with my friend Tony at the time and, still standing, pecked out an alarm message, something eloquent and cogent like: "Shit!!!!! Bug!!!!!"

When I moved the bag, the bug fled to the back of the desk and disappeared. This did not make me happy.

I threw out the food (except the pretzels, see below) in a bag drenched with bug spray. I sprayed bug poison down the sides of the desk (the desk is in an alcove; I got the bit between desk and wall). I washed the stuff off my hands. I did some deep breathing and tried to calm down. Tony, who is a saint, stayed up and held my hand (cyberly).

Finally, he had to go to sleep, and right when that message appeared, the bug appeared on the wall to my right. I jumped up, grabbed my weapon, started shooting, and followed it with spray as it ran between the desk and the wall.

It MUST be dead. Right?

Highlights of the transmission during the actual event:

swerve: it came up behind me!
tony: omg did you get it?
swerve: i think so
swerve: i am not sure
swerve: i sprayed like mad
swerve: followed it behind the desk
swerve: between desk and wall
swerve: i think i got him... did you know they have wings?

They do. They can't fly very well, though.

tony: so what does the can [of bug spray] say about how long it takes to kill said bugs?
swerve: you're not supposed to spray it on the bugs, but i do
swerve: you're supposed to spray it where bugs hang out, good 4-6 weeks on the can, truth closer to 2-3 weeks i think
tony: hrm well it will be dying shortly then

I needed to hear that. I need to believe it.

swerve: please, for the love of god, let this be the only bug
swerve: i'm afraid of my pretzels, i forgot to throw them out
tony: it didn't come out of the pretzels
swerve: no, it didn't

It came out of a different "sealed" bag. More fodder for my neurosis. But I really like pretzels. So I tried to be brave:

swerve: i hope i killed it

Tony, who's just swinging from night shift to day, finally managed to disentangle himself from my drama and go to bed, which is what I'd been urging him to do before the Appearance. Tony's just a good man, people. Major karma points, there.

I hope I can sleep.