"Well, hi, honey!" the nurse said as I was wheeled into the bay in the emergency department on Thursday night. "Didn't I just see you last month? We go way back."

Let me state for the record: I am sick of being sick. I have been sick since Thursday (this time through) and it's an incredible waste of time. On the other hand, I'm becoming hip and savvy to hospital slang and jargon, a useful skill for a chronic sickie. I've also picked up tricks like hanging the IV tubes over my ponytail on a restroom run. I suppose it's not all wasted time, then.

The problem, at any rate, has nothing to do with my endocrinological or autoimmune wackiness. There's something wrong with my innards, e.g. my intestines. Whoa.

It started about eight years ago, periodic bouts of life-halting stomach pain and, uh, associated symptoms. The episodes invariably end with me in the emergency room, getting rehydrated through an IV and sleeping a lot. I've had a few tests here and there to pinpoint the problem, but we never figured it out, and as soon as I felt better, I forgot about it. I can't do that anymore. I need Professional Help, in the guise of a gastroenterologist: an innards doc.

Think about this for a minute. Aside from taking pictures through the body (CAT scans, etc.), there are only two ways into the digestive tract of a human being without knives involved: one on top, one down below. The only ways to find what's wrong is, you guessed it: from the top down or the bottom, ahem, up. I'm sure you can understand my reluctance. I'll just check my dignity at the door.

Right now, my stomach feels like I drank Drano and my head feels like I drank a fifth and fell asleep with my clothes on. The rest of me is reasonably serene: I used up most of my energy to take the most delicious, soul-cleansing shower. Even Cricket looks more content with me now that I can no longer be smelled across state lines. Being sick is dirty work.

And tiring. I've been asleep for the greater part of the last five days, and I think I'm heading back there now. Hold my calls.