Since my readership seems to have expanded a bit beyond my immediate family and my ex-boyfriends, I feel a responsibility to be a good hostess and sing for my supper.

I've written a lot of HTML. Seriously. I'm starting to realize just how far I have to go before the site can sort of ... coast.

For example: checking the site from Internet Explorer was an unpleasant shock. I use Netscape, but most of you are on IE.something. If this looks like a large-print book to you, I do apologize. I'll figure it out eventually.

What I actually mean is that I'll get a piece of browser-detecting JavaScript from a code library for a couple of pages and make you deal with the rest. Looks fine from here.

End of code talk. Anyone wishing to continue can do so here.

Trust me on this: go somewhere else.

Since I moved in last year, my phone has been busy. I am always online. Even when I'm not sitting here, I'm online. A couple of times, I've tried to remember to take the computer offline, but it never lasts. I've started calling it the Perpetual Busy Signal.

It's a break from telemarketers, but I need a home phone. The phone company can't install another line. Everyone who needs it has my cell phone number, but the reception here is lousy. Anyone who's online as much as I am should have a high-speed connection, anyway.

I finally broke down and ordered DSL from Earthlink back in November. I've been on Earthlink dial-up since 1996; I didn't think about switching. I should have.

After a long silence, I got an e-mail back from Earthlink DSL telling me that my line would be activated on January 7, 2002. A few weeks, but whatever. I forgot about it, or tried to.

Somewhere around January 16, I e-mailed Earthlink, looking for my modem. I got a reply from a DSL customer service rep saying, paraphrased, that they'd forgotten to send me the modem.

Anyone could make a mistake. I let it go.

I exchanged e-mails over the next couple of weeks with assorted first names at Earthlink DSL, double- and triple-checking that my modem had been sent. Each time, it was as if they smacked their foreheads and said, "Oops! Plain forgot about that modem!" and, "Thanks for the reminder. 7-10 business days."

Egregious Incompetence: Variations on a Theme in C Minor.

Then I got a notice from the billing department warning that I'd gone over the limit for dial-up hours on a DSL plan and that they'd start charging by the hour. So I was getting charged for the DSL which I couldn't use AND the dial-up I've been stuck using instead. This, I believe, brings you up to date.

My reponse was, essentially: fuck me? Fuck you. I sent back an icy tirade of PMS-fueled verbiage demanding (petulantly, I thought) a refund for my inconvenience and warning them I'd take my business elsewhere.

Not 24 hours later, the refund notices and apologies rolled in from Earthlink. But no modem.

I just signed up with Verizon Online DSL. They predict I'll have the modem by Valentine's Day. Change is good.

And if you own stock in Earthlink, sell.