Arbitrary Monday morning list:

• I had terrible dreams last night.
  
  
• It's snowing this morning.
  
  
• I have to write a paper today. I don't know if I can milk five pages out of the speech I want to use (RFK on MLK).
  
  
• Saks has the most shameless, relentless collection department of any company in the world. They've been calling me several times a day, every day, for about four days now. My overdue balance is about $60. Surely they have bigger accounts to hassle.
  
  I keep hanging up on them. (What are they going to do, arrest me?) Today, I'll send a check to cover my entire balance and get them out of my life. Waking up to a collection call is a lousy way to start your day. Don't shop at Saks, people.
  
  
• I can hear two men arguing outside. They're shouting at the top of their lungs. The only part I can make out is profanity. Lots of it.
  
  
• Cricket has started to sleep curled up against my stomach. She waits until I'm asleep, then climbs over me gently and takes her place.
  
  
• I'm still sleepy. Must caffeinate.

My mother's health took a turn for the worse last night.

She had been improving steadily: glad to be home, eating small meals, not smoking, able to read and do crosswords and watch television and pet the cats. She had been moving around the house occasionally, trying to get her strength back. She had started to be hungry again. And that stopped last night, when she spiked a temperature of 101.8°.

Today, she's exhausted, uninterested in food, generally feeling awful. She's also very depressed; I can hear it in her voice. And I'm here, writing some bullshit paper for some bullshit class, while she's suffering. I'm so scared.

My mother's sister has been staying at the house, helping out. The two of them are going to the doctor this afternoon to find out what's happening. I sort of expect that she'll be back in the hospital soon.

Midge had planned to leave tomorrow. I asked who would be filling in when Midge was gone, and she said no one. The cat sitter would come and take care of the cats, but no aide or LPN was scheduled to take over for Midge. And that's crazy. My mother has been, still is, very sick; she can't be alone so much. If an aide is not hired in the next week, I will withdraw from school, take a leave of absence, hire a pet sitter, and go back to DC for as long as I'm needed.

In the meanwhile, I'm starting to look for another roundtrip ticket for this weekend.

I can't lose my mother. My father can't lose her. All the laughter in the world will disappear if she dies.