My last college courses start today.

Years ago, when I first transferred schools, I met a woman who was taking her final course. The class was a seminar, everyone sitting around a long oak table, and we all congratulated her. I remember her smile.

I told my mother about her. Now it's my turn.

From the Mixed Blessings Department: a cop buzzed my doorbell this morning to tell me to move my car. It was nice of him to let me know, rather than let the city tow me. But when I went out to move it, I saw that the entire block is being closed for road work. In other words, I need to find a place to stash the car for a week or two. I'm not happy about this, but it beats getting towed.

Off to class.

Well, this is bad.

It turns out that "Professional Communication" is in fact "Public Speaking." In my first stint at this school, I took Public Speaking twice and failed it twice, for assorted reasons. I hate and loathe this class. My only options are another debate class (been there, done that, got the t-shirt) and oral interpretation of literature (puh-leeze). And that's all she wrote.

I have a visceral reaction to this class now. My jaw clenches, my heart speeds up, my muscles tighten. We're talking rage. I'm also brain-fogged, probably because of my thyroid. I need to be able to think faster, and I can't. That makes me angry, too.

I have 146 credits. I've been in school for six years or so, spread across thirteen years of hopping in and out of college. I've worked so hard for so long. Just let me the fuck out already. But they won't.

So I'm dropping out for the last time, I think.

You know, people just reach a breaking point.

I worked and worked and worked, and this is what I get for my efforts: nothing. My sister is dead. My parents are trying to find reasons to keep living. I thought that getting my degree would be a reason for all of us to keep living, but I didn't expect to see this class again.

It's all speeches. Intro: 2-3 minutes. Demonstration: 8-10 minutes. Informative: 5-6 minutes. Persuasive: 7-8 minutes. Special Occasion: 4-5 minutes. Letter to the editor as speech: 3-4 minutes. Final, either persuasive or informative, 8-10 minutes. Two written assignments, plus manuscripts and formal outlines for each speech, plus practice time.

I failed it in the past because I hated it so much. It's such condescending bullshit. And it's a requirement. I can't get around it. Also, it's not my only class this term. I do have another entry-level general-ed requirement.

I can't do this anymore.